i can't believe "I" still have friends - an anonymous rant

"I can’t believe I still have friends."

I am a wreck and a wrecking ball. I consistently set myself up to fail, but that usually ends up wrong. I am insulting, derogatory, misogynistic, and just plain rude. I make fun of everything and everyone regardless of its nature. I hate. I hate kids. Even if I didn’t hate kids I am too much of a coward to have one for fear of it being retarded. I can barely take care of myself, so taking care of someTHING else is out of the question. And a retarded one? Not a chance in hell or heaven or any other idiotic fantasy afterlife Lalaland. I can’t own a dog because a dog is like a retarded kid. And they stink. And they want constant attention. Just like some little shit-bag kid. I don’t like your dog or your kid and if you have either, I probably don’t like you. I hate people, also, by the way. I hate Blacks, Whites, Asians, Indians, Canadians, Southerners, Northerners, etc. If I’ve left you out, I’m not sorry. But go ahead and include yourself in the list anyways. I drink excessively with no regard for my safety, much less the safety of those around. The people willing to drink with me have clearly made a dire mistake, or are just as shitty as I am, though I find that hard to choke down. If there is a bridge in sight, I have my matches ready. I’ve been going nowhere looking for nothing with no one for a very long time and I have no intention of stalling. The answer I have for your questions is NO. I’m not interested. Go away. I don’t believe in God or religion. It’s for weak-minded fools who are too afraid to come to terms with mortality and their own shitty existence. I do believe in stereotypes. If its being said enough, it’s probably true. I also believe that as a human being I am poisoning everything around me. But I don’t care because I’ll be dead and gone soon anyways. To sum things up, I believe in one solid truth: Take what you want and give nothing back.
-Anonymous wordsmith representing everyone

who's gonna pay to fix that?

Not a good look for anybody.

typical

This has happened to my car once in high school while driving a friend home from a houseparty.

We don't speak to each other anymore.

i can't believe you still have (this sucks) family members

so as a result of unfed information about an automobile i was hoping to take a vacation in, i went to jail/court/ordeal over some "paraphernalia" i was caught up with in my coin pocket. i am now enrolled in a court appointed class to help differ me from harmful drug use. as bullshit as the scenario is, i get to hear amazing, shit, stories once week for a couple hours. here is the awesome story of this week's session, which qualifies as the second realm of shit: "i can't believe you still have family members: wow!"

so a 4th degree meth user (she's not a real meth head because she drinks dissolved meth in a sprite bottle rather than smoking/snorting/whatever meth heads do) (cough... ugh, gross... regardless) is in our group and goes over her week. she reveals that her, crackhead, cousin died over the weekend in a stabbing incident in Richmond.

The story arrived in the Sunday Chronicle (not the epic FUCK BAY TO BREAKERS smoke out i had in my room, just the overlooked newsprint) and was ignored by everyone that is anticipating the season finale of "Lost". It makes sense as the majority of followers of said show only have one week left to live.

To close, my esteemed drug class friend, whom i do not respect, entertained me with one story she will always remember her cousin by:

"so i'm sitting on the couch with my auntie, just eating chips and watching cable, and in he comes, loud as hell through the front door. i mean, we was kickin' it and he storms in the room, uninvited. so i'm just eating my chips and he pulls out the cable from the TV, unplugs it from the wall, and walks out the door with my auntie's TV and sells it for crack."

He was stabbed, multiple times, by his best friend over $5.00.

Good Luck, Shitheads.

a place for posts about your miserable behavior

if you're awesome, you will not hear a word spoken or (passively) (fuck off) typed about you on this idiot machine. however, if you metaphorically, suck dicks at life, we will see you and put your shit show on display for all the world to see.

at this point i would like to invite anyone to share their stories of shitty f-r-i-e-n-d-s to post and boast about with me. a short example would look something like this:

so i went to vegas for a bar and nightclub convention and had the pleasure of being invited into an exclusive Maker's Mark whiskey tasting (on a random, i'm drunk and that sounds awesome, tip). So as any suitable gentleman, i took part in the "classy" whiskey affair.

The four point whiskey seminar/tasting lasted about 45 minutes, upon which, Bill Samuels JR. (3rd generation distiller), hands each of all 18 individuals a short bottle of properly distilled maker's. the lot of all 18 of us are also invited to have these bottles hand dipped and signed, redeeming them as "priceless" bottles of Maker's Mark. I keep it as a mantle piece in my room just incase anybody asks/or cares about whiskey... awesome story to tell...

Back at home, 2 years later, i come into my household after a night at work to witness a thrashed kitchen with mess everywhere. thankfully my roommate is a clean-freak (with shitty freinds) so i'm not too worried upon first glimpse... then i see it. FUCK!

It's there.

Empty.

It was in the safe confines of my room, door shut, closed off to the outside world...

At this time i had my roommate's friend crashing in the guest room for free (asshole).

Morning comes. i am, still, very pissed.

"hey, who drank my priceless bottle of Maker's?"

"oh. umm, i remember drinking it at some point but i was blacking in and out all night"

"i can't believe you still have friends."

"sorry"

"yeah, fuck off"